Running Back To You

                          

"She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, "I will go back to my husband as at first, for                       then I was better off than now" 

I must admit, this post sat in my drafts for a very very long time, or a version of this post anyways.  After IF: Gathering this past weekend, the post changed. It became something that I was proud to post.  Well I wouldn't call it proud...maybe it just finally seemed right.  I must also admit that I am vastly uncomfortable with this level of vulnerability.  This was a hard one to post.  

On my way home from the first night of IF: I was listening to worship music and it suddenly dawned on me something that I had learned that night, but maybe hadn't realized I had learned, or didn't expect to learn anyways.  It wasn't even anything that I suppose was directly spoken of by a speaker.  I suppose that it was a mostly a result of my heart being in a tender, broken place.  This was my first time attending an actual location for IF: and it was so refreshing to watch it with other women. Last year I watched alone on my laptop, and didn't expect there to be much of a difference.  There was.  

If you aren't familiar with the conference, at the end of the night, they took communion. Now, I have taken communion countless times, but this time was somehow different.  It felt sacred.  Before we look communion, we were asked to pray and repent of any sin, and to cleanse our heart before Him.  Now, here is where it gets interesting.  

I confessed my self-injury.  Now, I have confessed of this countless times, every time I did it, which is unfortunately more times than I could ever count.  This time was different though.  Suddenly, God whispered into my soul why it was so broken.  

Why are you not running to me? 

Ouch 

It hit me like a ton of bricks, bringing me immediately into tears and an overwhelming guilt.  I suddenly realized the real reason why what I was doing was so wrong.  When I was lacking, I didn't run to Him, I ran to a blade.  If I am being honest, up until this point I didn't really see a problem with what I was doing.  Yes, it wasn't healthy, but it just didn't seem wrong to me.  It helped me to get by.  When I crumbled, that was where I ran, I didn't run into His arms.  That was where the comfort and safety was all along.  The temporary comfort that I felt had become an idol to me.  It was a slavery that I didn't even know I was trapped in.  Now I do.  

So as I sat there in my seat, I felt all of these things and more...and I repented.  Maybe this means nothing, maybe the next time I struggle, I won't immediately run to him. Maybe next time I will run to one of my many temporary idols that promise comfort.  None of our idols provide the comfort that the enemy promises they will.  We all have that thing, that thing that soothes our soul and calms our spirit, but there is a reason that we have to keep running back to them.  We run back for more and every time we run back to it the more that we will need.  I want to continue to run to the One that can provide comfort. Who can take me in my broken moment and wrap His arms around me and speak into my brokenness.  Each time we drift away, may we always run back, to open arms waiting to redeem us. 

Lord, forgive me for running to anything that isn't you 

Retreat

Like many people, every year I pick a word for the year.  A word that can set me up for the coming year. To realign my heart to where it needs to be.  It's not that I believe that there is something magical about the moment that the clock strikes midnight, but I do believe that the new year is a great time for self reflection. A time to reassess our hearts, our lives, and our relationship to God.  Last year, my word was Abide.  This year I chose the word retreat.

Last year, it seemed so clear to me what I wanted my word of the year to be, I mean, Abide seems like a pretty great thing to pursue and it's a word that I always felt a connection to.  This year though, I had no idea what word to choose, so I prayed about it.  It was then that the word retreat popped into my head, seemingly out of nowhere.  With this came instant confusion, certainly God was not calling me to focus on a word that implies quitting, or getting away.  I felt like I was trying to pursue the opposite of these things, so why would He give me that word.  So like anyone would, I googled, and I mean I googled hard.  Going deep into the word, searching it's meanings,  It was only then that it dawned on me that retreat was actually the perfect word that God had given to me.

 re·treat

rəˈtrēt/

verb

1. 1.

   (of an army) withdraw from enemy forces as a result of their superior power or after a defeat.

   
   

   "the French retreated in disarray"

   
   

   synonyms:

   withdraw, retire, draw back, pull back/out, fall back, give way, give ground, beat a retreat, beat a hasty retreat "the army retreated"

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noun

1. 1.

   an act of moving back or withdrawing.

   
   

   "a speedy retreat"

   
   

   synonyms:

   withdrawal, pulling back "the retreat of the army"

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2. 2.

   a signal for a military force to withdraw.

   
   

   "the bugle sounded a retreat"

What struck me was the "act of moving back or withdrawing".  One of my goals for the year had been to move away from things that were unhealthy for me, and to move towards things that were good for me.  To make healthy choices for myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I wanted to retreat into God, and away from things that were pulling me down, keeping me from my best and most healthy self.  

After talking to a friend about my word for the year, He also pointed out the fact that when an army withdraws, it is not quitting, it is simply pulling back.  Pulling back to look at the problems, rest, and gather what they will need to go back into battle, I think we all could use a little of that in our lives don't you think.  To step back after a defeat, rest in God, and gather up the things we will need to go back into the battle.  If you look at the definition,  it is a withdraw from enemy forces as a result of their superior power or after a defeat.  When the evil of this world gets to be too much, rest in God.  When this world beats you down, and you face a defeat, rest in God.  It is such a beautiful attitude to have looking into this new year.  A withdraw isn't giving up, a withdraw is recognizing that if I keep going like this, I am going to lose.  Without Him, I will lose.  In life, doing this is an act of total surrender.  To look at the strength of the enemy and recognize your weakness, your 'not-enoughness'. We can rest in this weakness, because where we are weak He is strong, and there is nothing more comforting or energizing than that.