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Sunday, February 5, 2017

Running Back To You


                          

"She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, "I will go back to my husband as at first, for                       then I was better off than now" 

I must admit, this post sat in my drafts for a very very long time, or a version of this post anyways.  After IF: Gathering this past weekend, the post changed. It became something that I was proud to post.  Well I wouldn't call it proud...maybe it just finally seemed right.  I must also admit that I am vastly uncomfortable with this level of vulnerability.  This was a hard one to post.  

On my way home from the first night of IF: I was listening to worship music and it suddenly dawned on me something that I had learned that night, but maybe hadn't realized I had learned, or didn't expect to learn anyways.  It wasn't even anything that I suppose was directly spoken of by a speaker.  I suppose that it was a mostly a result of my heart being in a tender, broken place.  This was my first time attending an actual location for IF: and it was so refreshing to watch it with other women. Last year I watched alone on my laptop, and didn't expect there to be much of a difference.  There was.  

If you aren't familiar with the conference, at the end of the night, they took communion. Now, I have taken communion countless times, but this time was somehow different.  It felt sacred.  Before we look communion, we were asked to pray and repent of any sin, and to cleanse our heart before Him.  Now, here is where it gets interesting.  

I confessed my self-injury.  Now, I have confessed of this countless times, every time I did it, which is unfortunately more times than I could ever count.  This time was different though.  Suddenly, God whispered into my soul why it was so broken.  

Why are you not running to me? 

Ouch 

It hit me like a ton of bricks, bringing me immediately into tears and an overwhelming guilt.  I suddenly realized the real reason why what I was doing was so wrong.  When I was lacking, I didn't run to Him, I ran to a blade.  If I am being honest, up until this point I didn't really see a problem with what I was doing.  Yes, it wasn't healthy, but it just didn't seem wrong to me.  It helped me to get by.  When I crumbled, that was where I ran, I didn't run into His arms.  That was where the comfort and safety was all along.  The temporary comfort that I felt had become an idol to me.  It was a slavery that I didn't even know I was trapped in.  Now I do.  

So as I sat there in my seat, I felt all of these things and more...and I repented.  Maybe this means nothing, maybe the next time I struggle, I won't immediately run to him. Maybe next time I will run to one of my many temporary idols that promise comfort.  None of our idols provide the comfort that the enemy promises they will.  We all have that thing, that thing that soothes our soul and calms our spirit, but there is a reason that we have to keep running back to them.  We run back for more and every time we run back to it the more that we will need.  I want to continue to run to the One that can provide comfort. Who can take me in my broken moment and wrap His arms around me and speak into my brokenness.  Each time we drift away, may we always run back, to open arms waiting to redeem us. 

Lord, forgive me for running to anything that isn't you 




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